Parenting lessons I learnt in 2021

A Belated Happy 2022 to everyone. The holiday season played havoc on my habits. Hope to stick to the new year's resolution of writing every day.

When I looked through the journal entries for 2021, I gleaned a lot of useful information and learnings. I tried to compile them for future reference and that is the theme of this Blog. My unique experiences shape my understanding of how the world works. So this is just my personal journey and not meant as a prescription for another. Take what resonates with you and ignore the rest. I do sincerely hope you take away something useful.

The term Parenting, I feel, must be a term that was coined after Nuclear families came into the picture. Women like me had to raise the kids without the help of elders mostly.

We all understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by it. Many moments of self-doubts and worries. I read numerous articles, attended seminars, read books, etc on how to do it best. But the simple truth is that there are no right answers. We are all just making it up as we go and hoping we are right or at least not too wrong.

A general Disclaimer before we get into the topic: I am not dishing out advice here as a perfect parent of a perfect child. That's not an ideal I am working towards either. Neither am I a trained psychologist or any kind of expert on the topic of children or parenting. These are just some things that worked well for me. Hope it helps someone else too.

This is a collection of some practical and sensible advice I found from various sources. The Ideas that resonated with me or helped me. Check the reference section at the end of the Blog for the sources.

How to spend Quality time with children

We all know what that involves. Give 100% attention to your child. Sounds easy right? I have tried to do that whenever I can. But the truth is I have never had a clear idea of what it involves. A conversation, a game, reading at bedtime, all constitute quality time. But just tweaking this a tiny bit can do wonders. Here are some dos and donts.

For about 5-15 minutes a day, while giving your child 100% attention,

1. Do not ask questions. I realized how much of my interactions with my child involve questions. "How was school today, Did you finish? Why did you do this? etc.

2. Do not give Instructions. This was hard too. But with awareness and time, it got a lot easier to control those habits. At least for those 15 minutes.

3. Do not Criticise.

So then what is the definition of quality time.

1. PRAISE: Give specific descriptive praises. For example " I noticed how much you enjoyed playing that game" or " I liked how politely and kindly you spoke" or simply just making an observation. Do it without any agenda. Like a statement of fact. Most often we use praise as a tool for motivation. To encourage more of such good behavior. But that is praise with an agenda. Try without. But this is not a must-do, Its a can-do. I feel praising interferes with intrinsic motivation to be good or behave well.

2. IMITATE their actions. Younger kids simply love this. For example, join them in their dances, jumps, pillow fights. Sit down with them, and join in their pretend- play with dolls or cars, swing along, jump in muddy puddles like Peppa Pig. But it is not that hard with older children. My son was overjoyed when his father wanted to understand the world of Minecraft and asked to play along.

3. DESCRIBE what they are doing.

4. EXPRESS enthusiasm.

This goes a long way in improving relationships with your child, reducing their anxieties, and communicating with them. Children prefer communicating while doing other activities, unlike adults who prefer eye contact. Going for a walk, driving and playing games, or cooking together are great opportunities to connect with your preteen and teenage kids.

It has taught me to a few things along the way too. These quality time sessions led me to learn to solve the Rubik's cube, do hula-hoops ( sometimes we try to do hoops while solving the cube:), learn about Pokemon cards. Sometimes it is a happy chat about something that happened at school.

If we are earnest about our commitment to this, kids understand and welcome it. I noticed how much more my child is willing to open up to me now. Very often I do get requests like " do you want to just sit and talk about stuff". I jump at such opportunities and put on my mental clock for 15 minutes ( because it's still not so easy to not ask questions or give instructions :)

How to handle Misbehaviours

Time out works. But, time out should not be used as a punishment. How we talk about Time out to the child when they are not misbehaving is very important. I call that a time to calm down. I try to model this as much as possible. When I start to lose my temper I tell him "I need some time to calm down, so I am going inside my room".

But Time out is very tricky. It should not be used as a means to manipulate or withhold love from a child. So it's generally better to avoid it completely if possible. In my experience talking and reasoning works much better in the long run than time out. Calm-down time is usually reserved only for a complete meltdown. Talking works until then.

Here are some of the things I try to remember while talking to a child when they are behaving badly.

1. Always tell what you want them to do instead of what not to do. For example, instead of "Don't talk rudely" say " Speak politely", instead of " Don't shout" say " Talk softly". This is quite hard for me .

2. Use a calm but firm voice. Usually helps to lower the voice while our natural instinct is to raise it. I must admit this is very hard for me but whenever I do remember to do this, it has an instant effect.

3. It also helps to sit down if needed, to be at the same height as your child.

4. Don't lecture, nag, or argue with the child when they are angry or sad or continue after they have stopped the bad behavior.

How to Deal with kids when they are angry

Children don't start with a meltdown. Most of the time these stages can be preempted if we pay attention.

Here is what works for me.

1. First, check if they are hungry or tired. I try to see if that can be remedied. I also check if I am hungry or tired too:).Hangry adults are no match for a hangry children.

2. Acknowledge the child's concern. help them figure out and name their feelings. An emotion chart comes in handy.

3. Don't say " I know how you feel" instead try reflecting "you are upset because you want to play with her doll". This way they feel that their feelings matter.

4. Tell them your concern. Like " I know you want to stay longer in the park but we have to get home by dinner time and its getting late"

5. Finally Invite them to come up with a solution. Don't tell them what to do.

This method also helps them wrap their feelings in words, understand another's perspective and solve problems together. All three are life skills. Think of these conflicts as opportunities for them to grow and mature into resilient adults not just disciplined listeners.

6. Another useful tip is to figure out some self-soothing techniques. Come up together with things that work for your child. Like a box of toys for younger kids (with their favorite items, feathers, dolls, etc ) or music or games for slightly older children. Use them only for such situations so they can associate it with becoming calm.

7. A gentle touch always goes a long way. But it needs to be according to age, place, and personal preferences. Some children don't like to be hugged. But just a squeeze of the shoulder, ruffling their hair, etc might work.

Children and Digital Distractions.

We use words like Addiction for phones and gadget usage very lightly. But the truth is that it is not an addiction because Most children will be able to give up their screens when they have better alternatives. They probably also miss the sense of satisfaction they get from mastering a skill. Video games easily fulfill that. We can learn a lot from how these games keep us hooked. Here are some things that worked for me.

1. Model the behavior. If we are spending an inordinate amount of time on the screen then we lose the moral right to tell our children to stay away from theirs. I have given up social media and use my phone only for texts (no group chats) and calls.

2. A moderate amount of screen usage is normal and even good for them. So I try to come up with an agreed time. But this works best when it's out of a discussion with my child.

3. I try also to make an effort to have outdoor activities to fill the days and weekends when weather permits. During lockdowns, we had a lot of indoor board games to play as a family. Monopoly, Chess, or Basketball, beaches, and park play dates work well in our house. Puzzle games Rubik's cube, Chess, etc are great substitutes for video games. The mastery of skills in such games gives a sense of satisfaction that video games provide. There are so many wordplay games that are perfect for family time. No boards or toys are needed.

4. Choose activities or levels of play that are just outside their comfort zone but are still achievable. This way its challenging yet achievable. If it is not challenging they get bored quickly. If it is too hard they might lose motivation.

5. Lastly, try to get them to self-regulate these screen times. The more independence they have, the more likely they are to follow it. Frankly, this is still a big WORK IN PROGRESS in our house.

But I surely know what doesn't work. Constantly nagging them about it and taking away gadgets as a punishment. This type of punishment works very well in the short term but backfires spectacularly in the long run in my experience.

My husband who works in HR came up with an incentive plan for screen time. It worked so well for a month. But I finally had to put an end to the scheme when my son started asking me "what's my reward " for everything that's asked of him.

I can't tell you how important it is to work on intrinsic motivation for everything children do. It surely takes a lot of patience and work, but when it is done, we don't even have to follow up with them. And that's worth the extra effort.

Best Advice from an Unexpected Source:

The best piece of advice I ever found was from the most unexpected source - An airplane emergency instruction. Everyone has heard it. " When there is a loss in cabin pressure, Oxygen masks will fall automatically from the panel above you. WEAR YOUR OWN MASK BEFORE HELPING YOUR CHILD OR OTHERS"

This means just one thing to me as a parent when I am overwhelmed.

Take care of yourself

You are of no use to anyone until you do that, especially to your child.

This obviously doesn't mean that we put ourselves before the child but I know that when we stop ignoring our needs for sleep, health, nourishment, human connections, self actualizations, etc we become better at taking care of others, especially our kids. This is surprisingly a common affliction amongst mothers. So please give yourselves permission to take a nap, enjoy a meal, meet a friend or make trip to the salon, go on a vacation, or Get back on to the Job Market. It is ok.

While writing this blog I was most acutely aware of how often I was not following my own advice. As Richard Bach said, " We teach best what we most need to learn ". Also, there is no point in being hard on ourselves every time we err. Apologize and forgive yourself.

Research backs the fact that these best parenting practices even when followed 30% of the time are highly effective in raising a resilient and happy child. That makes me more hopeful.

So here I am, trying a bit more every day, a bit better every day, and sharing my journey.

Please do write to me about your favorite tips and ideas that helped your journey as a parent.

References:

1. Nir and Far podcast by Nir Eyal

2. Hooked by Nir Eyal.

2. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

3. The Great Courses: Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids by Eileen Kennedy- Moore

5. Picture Courtesy Unsplash through the Wix site